Monday, 16 July 2007
No spider pictures today.That pesky little monster, oh how he mocks me! Today he is no where to be seen, which in my book is far worse than blatantly sitting there. Where is he? Why has he gone and will he ever return? When he was sat in the corner under the cupboard giving me tantalising glimpses of his little hairy legs I was happy. But now I fear he could leap on me at any time and go straight for jugular. I know this to be quite true because my Auntie Leeta assured me that she had it on great authority that it happened to a neighbour's uncle's friend at work once. I also know for a fact that banana spiders wake from their refrigerated slumber in the supermarket only when they arrive home in your nice warm kitchen and then they too leap and kill you. Stone dead! It's true, it really is.
I should get my mum round here, she's excellent with spiders. She once phoned me and the conversation went something like this:
'Mum, is that you?'
'Mum, where's dad?'
'WHERE IS DAD?'
Of course now I was thinking that he was at least laying on the floor in a pool of blood with a spider bite on his neck.
At this point I thought it prudent to just put the phone down and go round there. When I got there I found the front door swinging wide open. On entering I heard a weak whimpering coming from upstairs. I tentatively trod the stairs very quietly, one at a time, not knowing what horrors awaited me. As I turned the corner I found mum, shaking and standing in a pool of her own urine waving an umbrella around madly. Actually, the urine and the umbrella are made up, but I just want you understand the look of absolute terror on her face! She was standing against the wall, with tears dripping off her chin (which was trembling) and muttering almost incoherently whilst pointing at a pillow on the floor in the corner. It was then I understood the gravity of the situation, there was a huge spidery monster under that pillow!
Now at best, mum will scream and run up the street if there is a spider in the house. The fact that she was stood in the same room as the spider on this occasion meant only one thing, that it was so huge, so beastly, that she was afraid to leave in case it escaped and settled in some unknown place in her bedroom. So, she had the brilliant idea of trapping it under the pillow. My job it seemed was to catch the spider. At any other time I would have done this very calmly and without incident. However, I had a screaming banshee behind me, tears and snot streaking her foundation, begging me not to lose it.
'Mum, I need you to go and get me something to catch it in'
'Mum, go NOW'
This was mainly said to get her out of the room so that I could catch the spider with my hands and have it out of the house before she got back with a glass. Once she was halfway down the stairs I gently lifted the pillow to reveal the biggest, the hairiest, most evil looking spider ever known to man!
'AAARRRGGHHHHH......run away, run away!'
This sent mum running back up the stairs moments later with all the equipment needed to tackle the monster. Wait for it.....a very large cardboard box, a torch and a dustpan and brush.
Me (quite hysterical by now) 'What the hell am I supposed to do with those?''Catch it quickly, where is it?''It went back under the pillow...I am going to pick the pillow up now mum....to make sure it's still there...'
As I picked the pillow up, out shot Little Beelzebub and sent us screaming down the stairs five at a time. A this point dad walked in the front door with the dog. He was greeted by two hysterical women, both doing a world class freaky dance, the elder of the two looking like Alice Cooper on a bad day. Once he realised what was happening he went upstairs to fetch the spider. Me and mum peered round the bedroom door safe in the knowledge that our hero would save us. Dad carefully lifted the pillow, no spider. Mum whimpered. Dad, now kneeling, carefully put the pillow behind him. At this point the spider, which had been on the other side of the pillow, started to very slowly walk up his back. The screams coming from the doorway made dad shoot up, turn round and grab the spider with both hands all in one swift movement! Mum nearly fainted.
This a true story. I may have embellished it slightly for entertainment's sake, but on the whole I think it's nearly right don't you mum? :0)
So I think I might get mum round here to rid us of Incey-Wincey, except this time I shall have a video camera at the ready. I could do with £250!!!
I went to visit my Auntie Leeta today and show her all my latest 'stuff'. She's an excellent audience. :0) She took me up to her craft room and let me loose to take what I needed for my art quilt. I had a whale of a time! I took beads and stick-on gems and some rather smashing silver wire type thread that was from Gran's sewing box. I came away with all sorts of lovely things. She also gave me a big reel of bright pink embroidery floss. Emily has a new dress and the floss matches it exactly so I decided to make her a necklace on my whizzy French knitter machine. It looks pretty doesn't it?
Last night I stayed up til 4am trying to get a pretty background on this blog. I managed to mess with the HTML and get half of what I wanted, but I just couldn't get it right and in the end I had to give up. I will keep trying to make it look pretty for you though. :0)
That's all for now, unless I think of something else to tell you. Ta-ra!